Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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