My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize