did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Soap is not a condiment
i think i have two assholes
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
