I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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