You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Enjoy the penises
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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