I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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