Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
