we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
