she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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