At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
