Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
