My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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