He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
