From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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