Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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