I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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