Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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