I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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