Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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