Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
