i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
