You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
