Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
