she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
