I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
