You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
