Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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