dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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