I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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