I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
