My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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