the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
