Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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