The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
