I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
