Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
