there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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