my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
