Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
