there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
