She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
