it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
