I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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