hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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