I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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