When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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