Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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