she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
