Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
