I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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