I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize