4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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