i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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