We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How external is "for external use only"?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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