So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
