I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
