i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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