Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
